Every night I hold five markers in my hand:
Gray, Blue, Pink, Green, Yellow
A spectrum of emotion
To track my days
I write down the key happenings:
People I talked to
Movies I watched
Tasks I completed
And I assess: what color is today?
For weeks, I was stuck between grey and pink
Devastatingly sad to numb.
But this past week?
Green every day.
It is a gift, this week of good days
Evidence that nothing is permanent.
A small step today,
Moving my scale from my bathroom to under my bed
I decide this after stepping on it,
Seeing a number I haven’t seen in months
And I felt sad
And immediately felt mad
Letting a number affect
I decide it’s time for different metrics:
Every day, did I eat
Did I walk?
Do some yoga?
Maybe lift some weights?
Do a few pushups?
Do my jeans still fit?
And if I can answer yes to most of those questions
Then my scale is irrelevant
And doesn’t need to judge me every morning.