This Is What A Bad Day Looks Like.

File_000 (2) This is what a bad day looks like.

No make up, no filters, no smile. Eyes and face swollen from crying. Lots and lots of crying.

The reasons for the bad day are irrelevant–I can’t share the reasons anyway. But I hit the trifecta of what causes me the most pain in my life (save for the loss of a loved one–no one died yesterday). And I hesitated taking this photo or writing anything about it, except for this:

So much of life is carefully curated these days. Sunny vacations by beaches and pools, perfectly angled selfies with perfectly coiffed hair and perfectly applied makeup. We share our best selves and give the impression that life is grand, even when we know it’s not.

It hit me yesterday, as I was fetal, crying, and simultaneously replying to text messages as if nothing was wrong. Feigned happiness for days, rife with fake exclamation points.

And I wondered if I saw a little less curation and a little more real, maybe my response to yesterday’s events wouldn’t have been so dramatic. But feeling like life is oh-so-wonderful for so many people while in the midst of some pretty dark emotions can amplify the darkness.

So I share this photo, and this vague accounting of my bad day, to maybe instill some sense of normalcy for someone else who might be having a bad day.

Bad days suck. They happen–no getting around that. But they happen to everyone, so try to remember that the next time you’re in the middle of a trifecta of pain. Chances are, someone close to you has been there before, and you both will be there again. Don’t let the filters fool you about that.

But a bad day is also just that–a day. Twenty-four hours. The sun rises again, and with time, the pain diminishes. Today I was blessed with people who made me smile and laugh. I ate chocolate and drank diet Coke and I bought a book. I had some great conversations and tried to remember that I still have much to celebrate and many people to love.

Yesterday was a bad day. But today was better.



Tempting the wrath of whatever

Before you read, a small assignment: watch this:

A couple of weeks ago in my Sunday School class, I commented that my life was pretty golden, and I didn’t trust it. I was happy, I was peaceful, I was healthy–all was well and I couldn’t enjoy it fully because I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I said these words out loud: “My life is pretty great, but I don’t trust it. Something awful is bound to happen eventually.”

If only Toby and Josh had forced me to go out side, turn around 3 times and spit…

My happy peace has left me, and I’m well aware of contributing factors. Too much social media. Not enough focus at work. Anger at things I can’t control. General self-pity. No working out. Not writing enough. Packing my days so full that I can barely breathe.

I commiserated with a friend about this today: “How did we get to this point?” I asked her. “I don’t remember being this busy or despondent 15 years ago. What are we doing to ourselves? Why are we doing it?”

She didn’t have a clear answer, and neither do I. Maybe just acknowledging there’s a problem is the first step to fixing it?

So I know what the problem is. I have strategies to fix some of the problems. The trick now is to muster the wherewithal to implement those strategies and get back to where I was a few weeks ago, before I tempted fate.

Waaaah. Summer is Over.

Today is August 1 and a Monday, which makes it a quality day to do some reflecting on the past 9 weeks of my life.

It was a good summer.

I didn’t take classes or do any traveling. I wasn’t beholden to a schedule that made me feel the rigidity of the school year. I slept in until 9 or later more than once, and when I woke up before 9, I stayed in bed and read books or watched Netflix.

More than once I didn’t shower until noon.

I didn’t see as many films in the theater as I wanted to, but I saw several movies courtesy of Amazon Prime, Hulu, and Netflix (both streaming and old-school). I caught up on television shows I didn’t have time or energy for during the school year.

I read 15 books.

I spent time with my nieces and nephews and my parents and my friends. I visited places in Nebraska I never knew existed. I presented at a conference.

I wrote 23,776 words of a book I’m working on. I wrote a 2100 word essay and submitted it for a publication.

I learned the value in taking purposeful, creative breaks, I was a counselor at a high school journalism camp, and I started a podcast with a couple of friends.

I haven’t had many summers like this–I’m usually packed from start to finish. And the one summer I wasn’t, I did so very little that I started the school year hating myself for wasting all that time.

Of all the things I accomplished this summer, the most important was this: I learned how to relax with purpose, how to create without pressure.

In May, I made a list of everything I wanted to do in my time off. I didn’t cross off every item off that list, and that’s okay. Now, on August 1, it’s time to return to my school list, the one I start every Sunday night and add to it every day, hoping by Saturday most of the items are checked off.

And this school year, I’m adding movies and books and breaks to my list.

An Experiment.

I’ve had quite the relaxing summer. No major trips, no classes, no conferences. Just movies, binging on TV shows, reading books, and listening to podcasts. It’s been great, save for one bad habit that just got worse: Facebook.

I realized how much time I was spending on Facebook when I admitted to a friend that sometimes I spent my time watching Facebook the way I would watch a movie or TV show–just constantly refreshing the feed to see what people we reading, seeing, doing with their lives.

So I decided that after my birthday, I would go on a Facebook hiatus and see what I could accomplish. Today was the first day of that–the last time I looked at Facebook was at 10 a.m. Here’s what I’ve done in that time:

  • Met a friend for lunch.
  • Worked on my book for two hours.
  • Visited with a former student at Starbucks.
  • Watched a movie.
  • Read 80 pages of a book that is due back to the library on Thursday.

And now it’s 7:30 p.m., and I need a break from reading so I’m going to go for a walk. When I get back, I will scan in some ads I’ve been collecting throughout the summer, to use in my Popular Culture Studies class, then plan out the rest of my week, do some yoga, and go to bed.

I’m interested to see how much I get done this week (and perhaps next) without falling into the time suck that is Facebook.

Listen to Something.

Over here, I try to document the media I consume. And for a while, I was tracking podcasts, until it became clear to me that I listen to way too many to track every day. So instead, I’m writing this guide to podcasts I listen to.

Before I begin, a note about how I listen to so many: I am not wild about existing in silence. Occasionally, I take time to meditate or pray or just drive in silence, but for the most part, I like noise. So podcasts are my go-to when I’m doing dishes, folding laundry, cleaning and driving. Some times I will listen to a podcast instead of music while walking. So if you think you don’t have time for podcasts, you might be surprised to find that you actually do. These are in no particular order, by the way. But I’m certain there’s something for everyone.

1. Open Account with SuChin Pak. This podcast is all about money, why we are afraid to talk about it, and why we need to. Favorite episode so far: Paula Pell. I don’t know how Pak convinces her guests to be so open about their financial lives, but I’m glad, because their stories help me feel less alone while inspiring me to be a bit smarter with my money.

2. Code Switch (NPR). This is a must-listen. Panelists discuss issues of race in America and the challenges people of color encounter. Favorite episode so far: I Don’t Know If I Like This, But I Want It To Win. I learn something every episode, and I really think all educators should listen to this podcast to confront their own biases.

3. The West Wing Weekly. Probably my most favorite podcast right now. Hrishikesh Hirway and Joshua Malina discuss The West Wing, one episode at a time. They both praise and critique it, and they’ve had some knockout guests. Favorite episode so far: In Excelsis Deo. I cried while listening.

4. NPR Politics Podcast. Panelists discuss political happenings. Especially important right now as we gear up for what I think will be a rather ill-fated election. Favorite episode so far: Musicals and Politics. I mean, really, does that surprise you?

5. Ask Me Another. Starring Ophira Eisenberg and Jonathan Coulton, this is a radio quiz show packed with wit. It is delightful. Impossible to pick a favorite episode because each one is wonderful.

6. The Moth Podcast. This podcast highlights stories told by real people with real nerves and some real emotion. I have laughed and cried while listening to these stories, and I’m never disappointed when I listen to this podcast. I’ve been listening to it for so long that I can’t pick a favorite, but trust me. Give it a try. Tip: fast forward through the hosts jabbering.

7. The Moment with Brian Koppelman. Koppelman interviews people about their creative process. Favorite episode: Beau Willimon. I listened to that episode while I was revising my book, on a day I was feeling like I wanted to pull my book from publishing because I felt like a complete fraud. Their conversation addressed exactly that feeling, and I figured if both of them felt like frauds (both have written several films and television shows), then what I was feeling was normal.

There’s a glut of podcasts out there, a glut that I’ll be adding to come September, but their entertainment and educational value is so worth it. Try one I’ve written about here, or find one that fits your own interests. Have a must-listen that I should try out? Let me know! Enjoy!