Now that I’m done with NaNoWriMo (50,002 words, thankyouverymuch), I can write a little more over here.
This week, I spent a lot of time decluttering and organizing my apartment. One of the long-overdue areas that needed attention was my music. Over the years, I have collected a lot of sheet music, and a lot of it is Christmas music, mostly accompaniments I played for church Christmas programs and for school choir concerts.
December used to be an incredibly stressful time for me when it came to music. I remember one year, sobbing in a church foyer to a choir director because I couldn’t possibly learn one more set of music, all to be performed prior to December 20. Honestly, I resented my piano skills and I resented—RESENTED—the entire holiday season for what it did to my brain, hands, arms, back, and schedule.
Last Christmas I played nary a note of music in public, and I don’t recall attending any Christmas programs. I was so sick on Christmas Eve that I had to skip attending services that night, so it’s been two years now since I attended any Christmas religious services.
As I organized all this accumulated Christmas music, I was wistful. Not for the stress of being overcommitted, but for being part of something offered to others. I’ve never been able to articulate how performing as part of a group makes me feel, but it is restorative, inspiring, healing, and joyous.
Today is the first day of Advent, and I joined a short service on Instagram, listened to a beautiful sermon about hope. I started a daily Advent book that two of my friends are also reading; we will meet over Zoom this month and discuss our insights. And as I write this, I am munching on cinnamon toast while listening to one of my favorite Christmas CDs—a collection of choral arrangements from the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra. I looked all over Spotify and Amazon and Apple Music for digital version so I could share it, and cannot find it. It’s not even illegally uploaded to YouTube! How very on brand for 2020, no?
But I did find the CD cover in case you want to see if your local library has it.
Anyway. I actually decorated for Christmas this year, and my place feels cozy and I am looking forward to a December with zero social expectations. One where I can give Advent the attention it deserves without feeling like it’s just one more thing to check off my holiday to-do list.
Whatever you need to do this holiday season to feel restored, inspired, healed, or joyful, I hope you are able to find it. And if you just can’t begin to think that any of those emotions are possible, even for a moment, please let me know. I’m happy to virtually sit with you wherever your emotions happen to be.