What I Resent The Most.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks.

Yesterday, faced with the reality that if I was unable to change things on my own, I’d need to seek professional help again, I mustered a tiny sliver of working brain and plotted my day:

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If I couldn’t do this, I told myself, then on Monday I would make some phone calls and get help before things got much worse.

It’s 8:03 p.m. as I write this, and I did every thing listed here, save for two items–I didn’t write at 2:30 because something came up at work that needed my attention, and I’ve closed down the last programming lesson tonight to make up for that writing time.

As I drove to the afternoon Jazzercise class, I turned off the podcast I was listening to and listened to myself instead. I compared how I felt in that moment to how I felt 24 hours earlier. 72 hours earlier. A week earlier, at my darkest point.

I felt better. And I immediately resented it.

I don’t like that in order to be well and productive during the summer, I need to plan my life in 30 minute increments, give or take 5 minutes here and there. Why can’t I just be productive?

Every summer when school gets out, it’s a struggle to create a routine, but I know without one, I can spiral fast.

Today, I moved from one task to the next, and only checked social media accounts for about 3 minutes at a time (as opposed to earlier this week when I couldn’t tear myself away from Twitter for, I dunno, hours?). I’m sure this helped my frame of mind as well.

What’s more is that I don’t feel nearly as exhausted as I have other days this week. The tasks were planned meticulously, to make sure I gave myself breaks to read and write and practice the piano. I made sure I gave myself a longer buffer around meals so I could sneak in The Daily Show or an episode of a sitcom to lighten things up.

So while I resent planning days like I did today, it’s clear that I must. And since watching a movie is next up, I best get to choosing which movie I’ll end my day with.

2 Comments

  1. I found this interesting. The need to plan your life meticulously. Everything you said totally makes sense to me – I know myself well enough to know how unproductive (and eventually depressed) I can get without scheduled things. I was just thinking if your need to have life so scheduled is one thing that contributes to your love of teaching, or if years and years of teaching have trained your brain to need things scheduled. I once read a book called the Power of Different (or something like that) and it discussed our “mental differences,” showing that what we’ve often seen as disabilities are actually strengths – it’s just a matter of how we get the help and direction we need to use those differences in the best way possible. I recommend reading the book since I’m terrible at retelling. Good job listening to yourself.

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    1. Thanks for the book recommendation! And good question–did teaching do this to me, or have I always been like this? Hmmmm….I’m not sure. I’m gonna go with teaching did this to me 🙂

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