Feminist Kryptonite, Episode 4

I was just too weak-minded to document Episode 3, just a semi-related rant over on my other blog. And even though the show has been canceled and isn’t on NBC, it iiiiiiis on Hulu, my friends. Hulu! Huzzah!

And since it’s Saturday night and I didn’t get to see Iron Man 3 this morning because it was sold out, I am taking a break from grading to watch this not-so-fabulous show and give you all the dirt. But I have one problem blogging this show: way too much happens in one episode. Too many snarky comments I could make, too much crazy and too much drama that is just “can’t look away” delicious.

The space in my head that goes completely crazy with this show is how it forces all the girls to worship the man. No shortage of this in Episode 3. A little game called “Ready for Lopez” (you know, the man they’ve hardly spent any time with) where all the questions are about how well they know Timmy. And the winner gets to spend extra alone time with Timmy! And that extra time is spent…playing pool.

Pool! The BEST date ever, because of all the incidental touching, flirty trash-talking, and making bets on sinking a ball in a pocket (no double entendre intended), which includes Tim taking off his shirt and standing on the pool table kissing.

You know, I went on a date once with a guy and we played pool. I remember he walked past me as I leaned on the table, and as he walked, he lightly dragged his hand across the small of my back. Yeah, it was pretty hot. And he did it with his shirt on, and without shoving his tongue down my throat. It’s possible to make an electric connection fully clothed and barely touching. Just sayin’.

Tim sends home a 25 year-old girl who told him a) she is bisexual and b) she wants to live off the grid in Napa after the show. Because the lead singer of a band would do well off the grid in Napa. So he probably dodged a bullet there.

Next up, Ben. Ben takes the girls to a vineyard, because when 7 women are vying for your love, the best place to take them is a place with unlimited wine and Bocce balls (again, no double entendre intended, but perhaps I’m missing a theme). Ben’s love language is clearly touch(ing lips) because he kisses EVERYONE. All told at the vineyard, Ben kisses 5 of the 7 women. Ben’s a bit of a slut.

Ben has an ex-girlfriend here, remember, and here’s where I actually agree with the other girls in the house. Ben, if you want to be with your ex, then be with her and let the other girls get on with their lives. This is the one guy who comes across as a complete dirtbag, mostly because it’s completely unfair to those other girls.

One of these girls pulls a TOTAL Ariel, and quits her job “because the chance that he’s the one is worth the risk.” Ummm, no it’s not honey. You don’t know him. You saw a YouTube video of him and decided to go to California and compete against several other women for a man. Not worth your career. And really, the whole idea of “competing” for a man…it just reinforces the patriarchy that has riddled me with self-esteem issues my entire life. Why am I watching this again? Oh yeah, entertainment value…

Side note: when one of the matchmakers hands one of the girls a pair of brass balls (yeah, I really am missing out on some fabulous writing, aren’t I?) for her courage, Bill Rancic says “This is a family show, now!” Really, Bill? A family show? For what family? A polygamous family of models? (I can make polygamy jokes. I’m Mormon.)

Ben sends home a girl who barely had any airtime at all. So. Moving on…

Ernesto. He’s the one I like the most. He’s the most genuine, the most humble, and the least whorey. He hasn’t kissed a single girl yet. But oh, Ernesto, the date you picked this week…well, behold the patriarchy yet again: all the girls are cooking their “signature dish” to “create a big meal for me.” Okay then, Henry VIII. Take my signature turkey leg and shove it up your…Maybe Ernesto isn’t who I thought he was.

(Mormon alert: the music for Ernesto’s segments brought to you by Imagine Dragons and Neon Trees! Huzzah!)

So the girls cook for Ernesto and end up getting in a food fight, and now we wait to see who will get the first kiss…

Which happens at the end of the show when he sends home a girl with whom he had zero chemistry. Good call on sending her home, Ernesto. Better call–kissing the girl you didn’t send home.

“I don’t always kiss, but when I do—-sparks fly.”

Yeah, Ernesto is a player. A different kind of player, but a player nonetheless.

After four episodes, here’s my predictions:

1. Tim will end up with Sara.
2. Ben will go back the shrewish ex-girlfriend so they can be co-dependent for ever after.
3. Ernesto will want Shandi, but end up with Alba.

You can see all the diverse women here.

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