Channeling my inner Joel McHale, who watches awful TV so you don’t have to, today’s Christmas movie is (and no, I am not kidding):
“He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special.”
You should note here that I am not making up a single detail I give you here. Not a single one. And I wrote this post as I was watching it.
Oh, the horror. For real. The animation seems like amateur hour thanks to a hefty diet of Pixar and Dreamworks movies. And I could probably forgive the animation if the dialogue didn’t make me want to puke.
Was He-Man really always that stupid?! And I’m sorry, but ewwww I feel like He-Man and She-Ra, though siblings, have some unresolved awkward feelings.
And I’m not quite sure how She-Ra fighting robots has anything to do with Christmas. In fact, the only loose connection to Christmas is Orko accidentally jettisoning himself to Earth, stumbling upon two lost children (Alicia and Miguel) who are searching for a Christmas tree and sing Jingle Bells, to which Orko says “What’s Christmas?”
What’s Christmas in this land? Well, the little kiddos teach Orko “Jingle Bells,” who then transports the lost children TO HE-MAN’s LAND. The poor children are going to MISS CHRISTMAS because of these morons and their lame technology. And once Skeletor gets wind of the plan to have a Christmas party, of course he is determined to CRUSH IT!
(That, Fox News, is a “War on Christmas.”)
I’ll be honest, I really couldn’t follow the story very clearly and at some point these little creatures show up to save the children and Orko, who at some point were captured by Manchines, I think? Or Manstroids? And then they are captured by Skeletor! He is CRUSHING Christmas!
Until Alicia and Miguel tell Skeletor that Christmas is a season of LOVE and JOY and CARING! “Yuck! What a disgusting idea!”
Alicia and Miguel educate Skeletor about the point of Christmas is that it’s FUN! Because you get PRESENTS! And everyone is NICE!
(I mean, really, Fox News–can’t you go after THIS show as part of the “War on Christmas?” There is zero-point-zero mention of Baby Jesus. Then maybe it will be destroyed forever.)
Favorite line: when Skeletor says “Double Drat” to Hordak.
This is 43 painful minutes long. It should added to whatever tactics we use at Guantanamo Bay to interrogate enemy combatants.
And because of the pain, I will go easy on the sad Christmas song today, which matches He-Man and She-Ra in its sheer ridiculousness. My favorite line: “There’s a world outside your window/and it’s a world of dread and fear/where the only water flowing/is the bitter sting of tears.”
REALLY?! I mean, REALLY?!? How is this a Christmas song? Though I do love that Sting sings the line with the word “sting” in it. This song makes me laugh. Is that bad?