It’s December 27th, and I’ve been awake for barely 12 hours yet I could probably crawl into bed right now and sleep just fine. No noises are escaping my nephews’ room, and from the silence on the other side of the house, I’m guessing my sister has crashed while putting my niece down to sleep.
But I’m too stubborn to be in bed before 10, so I’ll write a little.
It’s the second year that I really haven’t done a whole lot of Christmassy things. I go to church and sing the carols, I force myself to listen to Christmas music before I start teaching each morning, I do a little shopping for gifts, and do a little baking. This year’s baking was laughable compared to what I normally pull off, but I just didn’t have it in me.
I don’t know what it is about this time of year that causes such melancholy. I think I’ve mentioned before that one friend is convinced that I have Christmas-induced PTSD, and while I laugh at her hyperbole, there’s probably a little truth to that.
Tonight we drove around my sister’s tiny town delivering holiday goodies to her friends. I had my iPod hooked up and played one of my favorite Christmas Albums–a compilation of Christmas songs by Nettwerk artists. (Nettwerk has some quality artists, by the way.)
The fifth song in is a rendition of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”–one of my all time favorite Christmas songs. But this version, by Hem, is so extraordinarily melancholy that I almost cry every time I hear it. The lyrics aren’t at all jolly in the first place, but there’s something about the vocals that adds a layer of heaviness to the song.
I stared out the car window and looked at all the Christmas lights–another tradition long since fallen by the wayside–and listened to this song, and just let it all wash over me. Figuring out how to do the holidays in a way that doesn’t render me a complete ball of stress and despondency is a must.
I was going to post a link to Hem’s version, and the first link to come up? A frickin’ Tiffany’s commercial.
So I’m going to go bang my head against a wall for 10 or 15 minutes and call it good.
Bring on 2011.
combined with your last post this one really got to me. i'm sorry. all i can say is that sometimes a good cathartic cry induced by music is necessary. make the most of it.
oh – and one thing about ptsd christmas… i was talking to a friend earlier this month who said she has the same problem. she decided all her memories of christmas are painful. so she decided she needed to find a way to create positive christmas moments for herself. she discovered that carving out a bit of time for herself to be productive made the difference – she baked for the first time. maybe since you already do that there's something different for you. anyway – just a story i thought i'd share.