Today was my friend’s funeral. I could not believe the sorrow I felt, how quickly I would start crying. I spent all week focused on work and preparing my small part for the funeral, keeping the crying jags at bay.
But today? Today there was nothing to distract me from my grief. I know that mourning is good and healthy, but I accompanied this song for a friend who was asked to sing. (I did not, however, play it on the organ.) I didn’t want to completely lose it in the middle of our musical number.
I cried a little during the eulogies, but during our musical number, I didn’t even tear up once. But when the song was over, the sadness I felt all week finally escaped and I cried and cried and cried. Several hours later, my eyes are still swollen.
I went to yearbook work night to see my friend Kim, swollen eyes and all, mostly because I needed the distraction of grading. As I told my friend Aaron, “Ignoring the emotions is the best way to deal, right?” He laughed and said, “I think most psychiatrists would disagree with you.” He’s a smart one, that Aaron.
I know this week’s posts haven’t been the most uplifting, but I think back to my reluctance last Sunday, when I had decided to not continue my gratitude blogging. I’m not sure I would have made it through this week if I hadn’t committed to post daily.
Writing has long been cathartic for me, and this week it was essential. So tonight, I’m grateful for blogging. Even if my mom and my sisters are the only people reading, it’s helped to have an outlet to facilitate the grieving process.
I promise to look for happier things to be grateful for next week.